Rough Year

You know what? If you know anything...ANYTHING about me, you know that this has been hard. I am not heartless, although in bitterness, I might appear to be. At least one person thought she knew me...knew me too well, but a lot of what comes out of my mouth is rooted in bitterness and when I'm emotional...certain days of the month compounded by guilt trips in excess...Irrational. I can have a good amount of self worth, but when I've been pounded with garbage about how I'm not doing anything right, I'm not good enough, I'm not the same person I used to be (is that a bad thing?)... When I'm overcome with stresses caused by a move, a change in jobs (actually going from a stable job to no job at all), 2 new kids that aren't exactly easy to handle, not communicating well with my husband during this time, etc...It's been a really really hard year...and sorry for the run on sentence...something like this could happen, and it did. It's been such a hard year, I'm not sending out Christmas cards this year. It's been a painful year. I had a best friend, or at least I thought I did. I'm sorry, but when you mess with my family, when you mess with my kids...that is really, really low. When a person attacks my mental health...someone who I trusted with all my heart...it cuts deep...it angers me that someone would do this who probably still thinks that she loves me. When this person continues to make excuses letting me know that I'm not innocent, but never even shows an ounce of remorse for the betrayal, for the lies...it broke my heart. I know that this person can tear me to shreads, because this person is good at that...she gets it from her mother. I know that anything I say can be turned around to make me look bad, so what's the point? Everyday I have bittter thoughts, and anger...and every day I have the choice to forgive or not forgive. Sometimes I choose to forgive...and some days I don't. Yes, this has been a very difficult year. I thought I could handle something that it turns out that I could not. In brokeness I find healing. Seems that the road to healing is a long and narrow one. I remember that angry people hurt people, and I know this person had a reason to be angry, but irrational in her anger. I love those girls, but I do not have peace about having them in our home anymore. Maybe we were their bridge into this country...into the family that the Lord has prepared for them. I know some people will want to point fingers and will entertain thoughts of how selfish we must be to choose this road. I don't see any other choice. Yes, I do have bitterness and resentment, but I also have love and happy memories, along with the hectic chaotic stressfilled overwhelmed ones. If those girls don't know that I love them, than I don't know if they ever will, but I hope that they will be with a family who will know how to convey their love to them.